fitness
Unconditional
{Written December 13th on my 27th birthday.}
Lately, I’ve had a really hard time writing blog entries. I can’t process my thoughts into anything cohesive.
I’ve typed a couple short drafts. I’ve also written about 10 posts in my head. Basically, after it’s “written” in my head, I don’t have any desire to try and recreate the “perfection” that it was and so it’s lost in oblivion.
All of those lost blogs covered mainly one subject: my desire to quit contest prep.
Throughout any given day, if you were in my head, you’d hear a voice trying to convince me that I’m awesome and I can do anything… quickly followed by how much I suck and don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to think about macros or weighing in every week or taking pictures to send my coach or writing blog updates about it when I feel like my body isn’t changing anymore and my gut is huge.
The truth is… my body is most definitely changing. It doesn’t matter if my weight isn’t much.
And yes, I’ve said that before about the scale, but the obstacle really holding me back was this fixation I have on my stomach. I’d see changes in other places, but look down at my stomach, feel depressed and immediately want to binge, which is counter productive.
This morning, oh this morning, I had a REVELATION.
Contest Prep Week 9 & 10 Progress
If you’re a regular reader of my blog, you may have noticed that I’ve renamed the updates again. I started with bikini prep, but decided I hope to switch to figure instead (perhaps pushing back my show date if I’m not ready). Now I’m changing them to read “Progress” in place of “Weigh In.”
I have a couple of reasons for that.
- This isn’t just about weight loss. It’s about muscle growth, definition and strength.
- Fuck the scale.
Yeah, that deserved an F-bomb.
My last contest update talked about how I’ve struggled with my emotions. I mean, I would wake up ready to be the best fitness competitor the world has ever seen, not to mention best mom, and an hour later I’d be ready to give up and crawl under a rock.
Whoa. Put a quark on your emotional bottle, honey.
I was attempting to stay positive, but the feelings often didn’t stay long. I dislike being that way. I haven’t felt that emotional since before I asked for a divorce.
I think I’m learning to create a balance better. I never claimed to have my mess figured out, but I can tell you I don’t quit. I find solutions, I push through pain, fear, anger… I FINISH.
Whew. Now, let’s get on with the progress shot and (stupid) weigh-in.
Here’s your reminder of where I began. Starting weight of 197.5 pounds.
Week 1 5.5 pounds lost, bringing me to 192.
Week 2 1.5 pounds lost, and 190.5 pounds.
Week 3 2.5 pounds lost, and 188 pounds.
Week 4 1.5 pounds lost, and 186.5 pounds.
Week 5 1 pound GAIN, and 187.5 pounds.
Week 6 0.5 pound lost, and 187 pounds.
Week 7 4.5 pounds lost, and 182.5 pounds.
Week 8 1 pound lost, and 181.5 pounds.
(Keeping weekly progress in posts for now.)
And on weigh-in morning…
Weeks 9 & 10 Weigh In: 182 pounds
Weight Lost: 0.5 pound GAIN (15.5 pounds total)
No loss and I gained a bit. Yes, I was a tad pissed. I’m anxious to weigh less. I wanted to make it to the 170s! Why?!
After emailing my trainer, he reviewed my pictures and said he can see that I’m trimming up in upper body and even some in lower. THANK YOU. I needed to hear some positive news.
We also discussed how crappy my mindset has been. He definitely encouraged me to focus on the strength gains “when the scale is kicking my ass” and that he’s around for me during the week if I need to talk.
Yes, I’m stronger. Every week, I’m able to raise the weight on some things. For example, one leg workout never uses the same weights as the previous week for all exercises. I’m always able to increase one or multiple things. Focus on that.
This isn’t JUST about looking good in a bikini or figure suit. I want to be strong too. I want to LOOK strong and fit, of course, but that will come and I’m finally starting to FEEL it on a regular basis.
I’m a very impatient person. I know that’s one of my limitations. Honestly though, it took me 2.5 years to lose close to 60 pounds. I think that’s patient! I know other people who have done it in 6 months.
The problem is I can’t compare my journey to anyone else’s. This is my story and if I can’t go from still overweight to a figure competitor in 6 months, FINE. I’ll just take longer to do it, but the point is, I WILL ACCOMPLISH IT.
Lessons Learned & Highlights of the Week:
- Adjusted cardio.
My trainer added more steady state cardio and intensified my HIIT sessions. I now do 1 minute high, 1 minute low rather than 1:2. Kicks serious ass. - Supplements.
I added a multi-vitamin to my daily regime and creatine. Creatine also causes weight fluctuation in women which I discussed with my trainer. I also got a preworkout, Cellucor C4.
C4 not pictured! - Road Trip.
I went to the Upper Peninsula to visit my boyfriend. We hiked and lifted heavy things.
- The Suck training is beginning!
- In the past, road trips would have been an excuse to me to stop at places along the way for snacks. I love snacking and driving. I was prepared for this trip with all of my meals and protein shakes!
I have a lot more to say, but this post is WAY overdue and I don’t want to completely lose your attention!
As always, I love to hear from readers. Let me know your story or just comment to say you came by. 🙂
Contest Prep Week 8 Weigh-In
This update is really late because I hard an extremely difficult time getting into the right mindset to write it.
Two months into contest prep. Eeesh. I’d like to tell you I’ve gotten the hang of this. I’d like to tell you it’s getting easy and I don’t want to eat EVERYTHING. I’d like to tell you I didn’t have a week long mental breakdown.
But I can’t do that.
I CAN tell you, I’m excellent at meal prepping. This week, I stuck to my diet and most of my workout plan. I struggled to fit in cardio. I had trouble getting up every day. Trouble getting the kids out the door. Trouble with one of my kids in daycare. I was pretty much an emotional wreck most of the week.
Here’s your reminder of where I began. Starting weight of 197.5 pounds.
Week 1 5.5 pounds lost, bringing me to 192.
Week 2 1.5 pounds lost, and 190.5 pounds.
Week 3 2.5 pounds lost, and 188 pounds.
Week 4 1.5 pounds lost, and 186.5 pounds.
Week 5 1 pound GAIN, and 187.5 pounds.
Week 6 0.5 pound lost, and 187 pounds.
Week 7 4.5 pounds lost, and 182.5 pounds.
(Keeping weekly progress in posts for now.)
And on weigh-in morning…
Week 8 Weigh In: 181.5 pounds
Weight Lost: 1 pound (16 pounds total)
Better than nothing.
I struggle with the up and down weight loss. I dread Fridays and I hate the scale.
I’m trying to be happy with everything I accomplish and stop thinking about what I haven’t. I’m trying to look at this journey in small nibbles. One day or one week at a time.
It’s overwhelming to think about only being 8 weeks into prep and having another 16-20 to go. I keep feeling like I should have lost more weight by now.
I know I’m irrational. I know this. I’m down 16 pounds in 8 weeks, 2 pounds a week average. That’s fantastic. Faster than I’ve ever dropped weight in the past.
If you knew me personally, you’d know that I’m a perfectionist. That if I can’t do something the way I want, then I probably just won’t do it all. And I’m never satisfied. I always feel like I should be better.
Example. I cried for weeks my junior year in high school over the A- that ruined my 4.0, preventing me from being valedictorian. I ended up being salutatorian.
“But Addie, you know how many people would be thrilled just to graduate with honors? You got to give a speech at graduation!”
Those people aren’t me. I expect more of myself. I don’t care what other people do. I want to be better.
Seriously though, chill out, Addie. You used to look like this…
And you looked like this… the picture that prompted this weightloss journey…
Sometimes, I feel like I’ve disconnected myself with who I used to be, that this is someone else I’m looking at pictures of. I can hardly remember anymore what it was like to be her, because I’ve tried to block out the sadness. And yet I still feel her insecurities in a different way.
Though, I’m happy not to be fat and unhealthy anymore, I concentrate too much on reaching the “final product” instead of relishing in what my body is now. Like somehow I’m not allowed to be happy with myself until I get the body I want…
Okay, venting/ranting/rambling over. I needed to clear my head. I feel semi-better. I’m working on loving myself all the time instead of in phases. Thanks for being here.
Lessons Learned & Highlights of the Week:
- New leg day.
After sending my progress from week 7 to my trainer, he questioned whether my leg routine was making my glutes hurt to which I replied no. My glutes must be lagging in progress, so he sent over a new leg routine.Basically, it kicked my ass hard. It seems to target my glutes and hamstrings a lot more.A new thing I do now is high rep sets on leg press (previously was 20, now 30) and superset that with walking dumbbell lunges. WOW. What a difference. I also do smith machine step backs which I didn’t think I would like but really enjoy.
- Halloween.
I let my kids go trick-or-treating with their dad while I had a make up cardio session at the gym. I’m not really into the trick-or-treating and didn’t want to be tempted with candy, so not a big deal to me if he took them.And NO, I did not decide to hand out candy, bought with my hard earned money, while secretly judging all the fat parents sitting in their cars between houses.When they came home, I separated EVERYTHING I LIKE and sent it back with their dad! Milky Ways, SNICKERS, M&Ms, basically all chocolate, Skittles and Starburst…. loaded ’em back into a bag and sent them out the door. Temptation resisted.
I prefer they don’t eat all that candy anyway, so I’ll keep it a couple weeks and let them have a few pieces. I’ll trash it all after that. What a wasteful holiday.
- Heels.
During week 7, my contest heels came! I forgot to mention that.I ordered them so early for a few reasons.
1. I’m tall and awkward.
2. I never wear heels.
3. I have giant feet.These are size 13s and I was lucky to find them on Amazon after a lot of searching (many cross dressing sites were visits). I really wear wide size 12s, but going up a size will usually get me by without wide width.
Luckily, the clear plastic is fairly pliable. My feet are crammed in there and if not for the flexibility they wouldn’t have fit!I decided to give them a try with a bikini on as well. I felt utterly ridiculous.
As always, I love to hear from readers. Let me know your story or just comment to say you came by. 🙂
Contest Prep Week 7 Weigh-In
We left off with a week of miniscule weight loss and a slight gain the week prior to that. I’m not going to sugar coat it, I was really discouraged after two weeks of feeling I wasn’t going anywhere. If I had a third week like that, I’m not sure how easy it would have been for me to want to continue working so hard and monitoring everything single thing I eat so carefully.
Can someone pass the paleo-fied dessert, please? It’s paleo which is healthy, so I can have the whole pan of brownies, right?
You know I’m kidding, but it was starting to get me really down.
My trainer switched up my meal plan a tad and added more cardio to my schedule. I even started entering my food into My Fitness Pal again, just to visualize my macros, calories, meals… to see the exact break down of my nutrition. Keep myself in the zone. I’m a geek, so I like data.
Here’s your reminder of where I began. Starting weight of 197.5 pounds.
Week 1 5.5 pounds lost, bringing me to 192.
Week 2 1.5 pounds lost, and 190.5 pounds.
Week 3 2.5 pounds lost, and 188 pounds.
Week 4 1.5 pounds lost, and 186.5 pounds.
Week 5 1 pound GAIN, and 187.5 pounds.
Week 6 0.5 pound lost, and 187 pounds.
(Keeping weekly progress in posts for now.)
And on weigh-in morning…
Week 7 Weigh In: 182.5 pounds
Weight Lost: 4.5 pounds (15 pounds total)
Whaaaaat? I had to triple check the scale!! I kept thinking, C’mon 185. That’s all I’m asking for, just two pounds. I can live with two pounds. It’s much better than a half pound lost or a gain.
My gym has a balance scale (with the two little sliders like doctor’s offices always had growing up) and I pushed the large weight to 150 then slid the small weight right up to 35, for a total of 185. *clunk* Too much weight. I kept tapping it to the left, bit by bit. Closing in on 183, still too heavy. Another half pound and it’s perfect. I’m completely stunned. 182.5. So close to 170s. I can’t even fathom it.
I got off the scale and stepped back on, thinking that maybe I was standing on it funny. Put my clothes back on even and got back on, up only a pound with those on. Wow. It must be real.
15 pounds total lost in 7 weeks. I’m averaging just over 2 pounds per week again. I love it.
Lessons Learned & Highlights of the Week:
- Sub 30 5k.
In case you are not a runner, this means a 5k (3.1 miles) in under 30 minutes. This has been on my goal list all year. I’ve gotten close twice by about 20 seconds and missed. I was starting to give up hope that it would happen. I should REALLY stop doubting myself. I’ve been daring enough to add sub 25 5k to my list of Goals for Life now. Eep.Hopefully, I can make time to write a post soon about that experience. It was a superhero run and my kids did the fun run together.
- Disappointing competition news.
My trainer broke the news to me that he thinks I’ll likely be a bikini candidate this year rather than figure. Honestly, I understand where he’s coming from, so I’m not upset with him for saying it. I like that he tells things straight and he’s not going to have me compete in figure if I’m not on that level yet.He said I might be bikini this year, take time off to bulk up more and hit figure the following year. He also said that he could be wrong, we still have time. I told him I’d like to be able to prove him wrong. 😉
The more I look at bikini girls and competitions, the more I realize that’s not really me. It almost feels like the main point of the category is focused on sex appeal not as much the physical fitness and muscularity. I’m uncomfortable with the posing especially.
- Avoided office temptation.
My office has a potluck for every birthday. We had one yesterday and since our staff is small, I pretty much had to bring something. Even though I wouldn’t be eating anything because of my meal plan, I brought in hummus and carrots. The co-worker whose birthday we were celebrating enjoyed hummus and carrots the last time I brought it, so that’s what I got for her.I used to be the person who would bring dessert. I loved baking cookies, cakes, pies, etc. Anything new and delicious looking that I found a recipe for, I would make. That’s not part of who I am anymore though. Especially being paleo, I don’t keep regular flour and sugar in the house at all.There is one woman in my office who CONSTANTLY encourages me to eat shit. She also complained that she didn’t like hummus (Well, it’s not for you, bitch!!) And at this party, she kept saying to me, “C’mon, you can cheat one day.”
She doesn’t get it. I remind her probably weekly that I used to weigh 240 pounds. I’m down close to 60 pounds now. Still, she won’t stop.
Yes, I do WANT to eat that shit. My “lizard” brain wants to eat the cheesy potatoes, corn chowder, deli baked chicken, blueberry cheesecake and whatever else you have. My rational brain takes over quickly though and reminds me of how far I’ve come, how good I feel and how terrible that food is going to react with my body.
- Made almond butter.
I ordered a bulk 5 pound bag of almonds that came in just before my trainer removed afternoon almonds from my diet. I decided that I could be making my own almond butter with those. I pulled out the food processor and after much patience, raw almonds and a tiny bit of coconut oil, I had almond butter creamier than the store bought processed stuff! (Google if you want a recipe! So easy!)
Jar of Marantha no-stir creamy almond butter on the top left and my homemade on the right. Both bottom pictures are the homemade almond butter. One pound of almonds made about 20-22 ounces, which is one of those 16 ounce jars, and another 4-6 ounces in that little jar on the bottom right. No palm oil or sugar. This is straight almond butter with less than a tablespoon of coconut oil. It’s DELICIOUS. Next time, I’m going to give roasting the almonds a try.
And coming next week, I’ll have a blog up about my first ultra this weekend! 12 hours of a 4 mile loop, as many laps as possible, the Bad Apple Ultra. We’ll see if that was a good idea or not. 😉
Fit. Fat. Fut. 