Bullies & Bliss

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Note:  The following is a post from my old blog that I thought pertinent to share.  I’ll post why following the old post.

Post published 7/5/11 on my old blog:

I really want to share some information, but first I have a story as to why I am sharing it.

Many may know, I have set certain goals for weight loss and to run a half marathon in September [note from 10/3/12: I missed that goal, not perfect!].  I’ve been feeling really good about my body image lately.  Am I satisfied?  NO.  Do I feel much better about myself?  YES.  My clothes are looser, I have seen the pounds come off and the inches, and just getting out and being more active is great for my self-esteem.  I feel like, I don’t look like I want to, but screw you if you think I don’t look good, because I know that I’m working on it and getting closer every day to where I want to be, so I FEEL like a million freaking bucks.

On Sunday, I let someone take that feeling away from me.

We were having kind of an impromptu 4th of July/housewarming celebration.  I cooked Saturday and got up early to work out Sunday, came home and cooked some more.  Later during dinner, the shorts I was wearing were falling down because I’ve slimmed down a bit and people noticed they were baggier so I felt really good.

After dinner and a lot of people left, we were hanging around until it was time for fireworks.  I decided to try on a pair of jeans I’ve been saving from high school that are one size smaller than I currently wear.  They were a little snug, but I felt like after wearing them for a few minutes and sitting down, they loosened up a tad and I was more comfortable.  I was so excited!

We went to the fireworks and while waiting a bunch of us were sitting in the back of a friend’s truck.  I’m acquainted with him through Scott and we have talked and joked before.  I don’t know if he was trying to be mean or not, he’s a little younger than I and may having been showboating for the teenage girls hanging around, but he said a couple of comments about my size.

The one I distinctly remember was, “I think we may be exceeding the weight limit for my truck… maybe if Addie wasn’t in it!” 

Now, I have always been a bigger girl.  I will NEVER be a size 2.  I’m cool with that.  I literally don’t think my bone structure would even allow for me to be that small.  I remember comments like this from high school, middle school, elementary school.  Basically, I felt all of that flooding back to me.  I just walked away and went to sit by Scott.  He knew something was wrong, but that’s a separate story.  I didn’t want to make a big deal of it.

I was so close to curling up in a ball and crying.  I felt awful and in that moment, I didn’t want to be there anymore.  Whether it was meant to hurt me or not, when you are literally the heaviest person and someone targets you, it doesn’t feel funny.  If you say it to the twiggy little girl who weighs 100 pounds soaking wet, then it might be funny, because obviously she isn’t weighing it down?  Get my point?

Anyway, this is why I am going to reveal my weight, my measurements and my pant size.  I don’t want to be held back by these stupid numbers anymore.  I wanted to wait until the end to reveal everything, so that people wouldn’t know these numbers while I was still living them.  I wanted to be small and say, “See where I came from!”  I don’t care anymore!  I will not let these numbers or anyone hold me back.

I will not allow anyone to make me feel awful about myself again.

So here are the numbers…

Note: 10/4/12

Recently in the news, a reporter replied to an e-mail sent to her by someone she’s never met who called her an unfit role model due to her obesity.

Personally, I enjoyed her reply and kudos to her TV station for allowing her to use airtime to make her retort.  You can see the video below if you haven’t seen it on national news.

This reporter’s experience brought up my memories from last summer.  How weak I felt, letting someone take away my power.  Afterward, I refused to let anyone have that kind of control over me and I have held to that promise since that day.

It’s funny how that moment really defined a lot of my weight-loss journey for months, but looking back, I couldn’t even remember exactly what was said.

Let a bully motivate you, but don’t let it control who you are.  I am comfortable in my body now, even though I’m still not where I want to ultimately be.  I’ve worked hard to get this far.  I can be proud because no one handed this to me.

It’s been a month since I measured and I now weigh 205, but here is how I’ve changed since the summer of 2011.

Comfortable bliss.