Unconditional

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{Written December 13th on my 27th birthday.}

Lately, I’ve had a really hard time writing blog entries. I can’t process my thoughts into anything cohesive.

I’ve typed a couple short drafts.  I’ve also written about 10 posts in my head.  Basically, after it’s “written” in my head, I don’t have any desire to try and recreate the “perfection” that it was and so it’s lost in oblivion.

All of those lost blogs covered mainly one subject: my desire to quit contest prep.

Throughout any given day, if you were in my head, you’d hear a voice trying to convince me that I’m awesome and I can do anything… quickly followed by how much I suck and don’t want to do this anymore.  I don’t want to think about macros or weighing in every week or taking pictures to send my coach or writing blog updates about it when I feel like my body isn’t changing anymore and my gut is huge.

The truth is… my body is most definitely changing.  It doesn’t matter if my weight isn’t much.

image
March 2013 to December 2013 - 15 pounds lost

And yes, I’ve said that before about the scale, but the obstacle really holding me back was this fixation I have on my stomach.  I’d see changes in other places, but look down at my stomach, feel depressed and immediately want to binge, which is counter productive.

This morning, oh this morning, I had a REVELATION.

You see, I’ve had trouble getting myself out of bed the past two weeks.  I’ve felt tired, unmotivated and have been trying to push through those feelings.  I want to be a positive, happy role model.  I want to be someone people aspire to be like.  (Cocky?  Maybe.)

I was sad and lonely for too long. I don’t want to be that whiney person who bitches all day about not feeling good or their shitty life. I don’t want to take opportunities for granted, instead I want to create them.

The morning started with a 5:00 AM wake up call from Dion, my boyfriend.  He told me to have a good workout and wished me “Happy Birthday.”  From there, getting ready was fairly typical.  Boys up, dressed, stuff gathered and out the door.  We were actually at daycare 10 minutes early for drop off!  *pats own back*

I weighed myself since it’s a check-in day with my trainer, then trained back and biceps.

deadlift
Screenshot from Instagram video, you can find that here.


Nothing noteworthy. My energy wasn’t bad, but not super high.  I moved on to HIIT on the elliptical
(Hey, gym owner, FIX THE TREADMILLS!) and then it was shower time.

The whole morning, I’d been thinking about contest prep.  About how emotional I’ve been.  My moods being up and down.  About how much I HATE being that kind of person.

In the shower, my revelation came; a true break through and I started crying.

{  I’ve never loved myself UNCONDITIONALLY.  }

Stop to think about that.

I’ve had many MOMENTS where I appreciated my progress.  I’ve taken time to see the comparisons.  I know they exist.  The problem is I always say…

“I’ve lost weight and look good, BUT my stomach is still flabby and sticks out.”

“I can use 45 pound dumbbells for rows now. When I started lifting I used 15s, BUT look at what so and so can do.”

“My bicep muscle are getting really big, BUT I still have all this flabby underarm jiggling.”

“My thighs are smaller, BUT I still have cellulite.”

I constantly apply conditions to my self love.  I am not good enough for myself.  What I look like is never enough and therefore I can’t really be happy with what I am.

Things I do for myself are never important enough either.  Such as, getting up early.  When I first started running, I met a girlfriend every morning to run together.  I wouldn’t have been able to get up that early to do it for ME.  Knowing I had to be outside to meet her at a certain time, kept me accountable. That’s fine to a certain point, but I should give myself the same respect and courtesy I would give someone else.

image

I FINALLY see what I do to myself (because I’m my harshest critic), and I’m taking a stand against me.  I’m not playing this run around game anymore.  I’m not telling myself I’m not worth the extra mile.  

I am the biggest obstacle getting in the way of my success:  not food addiction, not binge eating, not missed workouts or lack of money.  I am not missing out on anything by skipping the cake, pie, cookies and pizza. I am gaining health, muscle and a body I never imagined I could possibly have.

Only half way believing in myself is getting me exactly no where.

So here is my birthday gift to ME.

  • I promise to compliment myself daily, no strings attached.
  • I promise to elaborate on the compliment, because “you’re nice” just isn’t going to cut it.
  • I promise to hold myself accountable to my promises to me just as I would to a friend or family member, because I’m just as important as they are.

Do you love yourself unconditionally?

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7 thoughts on “Unconditional

    Liz Stuart said:
    December 14, 2013 at 8:09 pm

    Dude, you have no idea how much I love this post! I have been able to justify other people’s mistakes and shortcomings to no end and to treat them with respect and love, but I’ve ALWAYS struggled to treat myself with the same kind of compassion. I am SOO happy that you had this revelation…you work so hard and you deserve to feel good about who you are and who you are becoming every single day. Don’t ever give up on it – good attitudes and self love make everything better :).

      Fit.Fat.Fut. Addie responded:
      December 14, 2013 at 9:28 pm

      Thank you, Liz! Not happy that you relate, because it kind of sucks, but nice knowing I’m not alone. It’s tough and I never realized how important self discovery was right out of high school. You’re amazing and deserve it all too! ♥

      Fit.Fat.Fut. Addie responded:
      December 14, 2013 at 9:31 pm

      P.S. I love that you started with dude. Who has two thumbs and does that all the time? THIS GIRL. *points thumbs at self*

    Kay said:
    December 16, 2013 at 3:02 pm

    You are so loved my so many especially me. I wish I could hug you daily and tell you how much I love you as a daughter (you will always be that to me)! I see you working so hard to be the person you want to be, but you are right! YOU HAVE TO LOVE YOURSELF AS YOU ARE before you can move on and accept change. I know you CAN DO anything you set your mind too, you have proven that over and over, but remember the mental change is so much harder to do. You keep doing what makes you happy and I will continue to pray for you and support you!

    trentstf said:
    May 17, 2014 at 7:13 pm

    From someone who started in a similar place I promise you the rewards are beyond your wildest dreams. See you at Death Race. If you need motivation check out Joe Decker on you tube 2 x death race winner world fittest man.
    All the way from Australia great read I hope to see you at death race this year.
    Trent

      Fit.Fat.Fut. Addie responded:
      May 17, 2014 at 7:43 pm

      I will be volunteering at summer death race this year and competing in winter 2015. And actually will be at the Northeast Suck end of the month as well as the Ultimate Suck in August. Very excited! Say hi if we cross paths! I’ll be the one with pink hair. 🙂

    Angeli - Help For Fitness said:
    May 18, 2014 at 10:55 pm

    Hi Hun
    I completely LOVE this post! Unconditional love is something that most women struggle with and I think it is very important to feel comfortable in your body, no matter what.
    I also compete in bikini competitions and feel high and low during my competition preparation but I do this because I am important. I do competitions because i love myself, and i love feeling good about myself.
    Thanks for sharing your thoughts. xx

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