Addict Here

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Hi, my name is Addie and I’m a food addict.

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This reminds me of The T-Rex Runner. She’s actually doing a series of posts on battling her eating disorders right now too. Her problem is much more serious than mine though and quite the opposite. I highly recommend her blog. She’s honest and upfront which are crucial for me.

I’ve never touched on my relationship with food before, and now seems as good of a time as any because there is spice cake with delicious fragrant cream cheese frosting sitting in the break room and I can’t for the life of me stop thinking about how amazing it would taste even though it would feel awful in my belly especially after I eat a 6″ by 6″ portion and oh my god my mouth is watering just thinking about it. *gasp for air*

I watch Hoarders sometimes, and I’m like, JUST GET RID OF THE BOTTLES OF URINE!  Why don’t you understand what is wrong with this situation?  It’s so hard to fathom, but then I compare it to my food addiction (and I mean this as in, it’s difficult to fathom when it’s not your problem, not that my problem is worse than being a hoarder).  Why can’t you just leave the cake there?  Or at least eat one piece instead of five?

Some people possess this amazing willpower that once they have decided to cut out certain things, they just do it.  I am not one of those people.  When I KNOW there is something such as ice cream readily available and it’s offered to me, I CANNOT stop thinking about it.  My mouth will water.  It’s obnoxious as shit.  I’m telling you, I hate it.  I know it’s bad for me.  I know it’s full of refined sugar and dairy that will hurt my belly.  BUT IT TASTES HEAVENLY.

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I watched this documentary on Netflix, by the way.

Some days, I have absolutely no problem eating what I have planned.  I stick to it and feel good at the end of the day.  And then there are days like Tuesday.  Eww.  And Wednesday.  Eww.  Potluck style lunch for co-worker’s birthdays, followed by leftovers the next day.  Luckily, I have a small office so we only do this 6 or 7 times a year.  This time, my boss decided to order meat lover’s pizza. *drool*  All of that crust and cheese and greasy meaty deliciousness.  It’s sinful.  I don’t even want to say how many slices I ate.  It was absolutely gluttonous.  I knew that I shouldn’t be eating more, but sometimes my inner fat girl wants to binge on the defiance.

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Oh, do I ever.

I knew that I shouldn’t be eating multiple slices of cakes, but I did.

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I don’t even understand what’s happening here.

I can go to the gym all day long, but if I can’t control the eating then my body will never be what I want it to be.  I want to fuel my body with natural, unprocessed foods as much as I can.  I want to be more in tune with mother nature, if that makes any sense as all.  I appreciate the circle of life.  I believe in eating meat, because that’s what human beings were meant to do and how we’ve always survived.  I want to eat fruits and vegetables and maintain a garden of my own.  Eat what I have grown for my family, feel the pride that comes with that. What we are stuffing into our bodies now isn’t fuel.  It’s like putting water in your gas tank… your car won’t run!

That paragraph was a mess of thoughts.

Back to the office and food.  Not that I think my co-workers are trying to sabotage me (although sometimes it feels that way), I don’t think they understand my inner struggle.  “Oh, it’s just one chocolate.”  You don’t understand.  I can’t stop at one.

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F’real.

So basically, this post was to out me.  It’s taken me this long to lose weight, because I have gone back and forth with my food battle for years.  If you have better willpower, then kudos to you.

Sometimes I can reel it in and sometimes the line snaps.  I have learned to love exercise and look forward to being in the gym, so I’ve won that battle.

Three steps forward, one step back.  As long as I keep going FORWARD, then I can do this.  I can become who I was meant to be.

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3 thoughts on “Addict Here

    Angie Tobias said:
    February 7, 2013 at 10:31 am

    Omg, I could have written this and it would say the exact same shit. Well said. Love the graphics. Favorite post to date.

    And, it made me hungry.

    So there’s that.

    Dirty1 said:
    February 11, 2013 at 11:57 pm

    Yeah… I’m the same way. I also have food guilt issues about eating enough calories. Like, I run 12 miles, then I feel guilty because I have a ~600 calorie supper to put me at about 1800 calories per day. Not really sure how to deal with that issue.

      addiehayes responded:
      February 13, 2013 at 8:55 am

      I never have guilt about not eating enough. I seriously battle every day wanting chocolate or ice cream. It’s ridiculous. If I can keep myself busy, then it’s not a problem. It would be awesome if I didn’t have a desk job to sit and think about food all day. And did I mention I design food advertising? Sabotage.

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